Silence is truly golden

I have had the wonderful gift, once, to enjoy three days in complete and total silence. Meaning I was not allowed to speak. and I was to spend the three days in silent meditation with God. I accepted the gift not knowing if I could do it. After the experience, not only can I do it but I crave it. I wish it were something I was allowed to do a few times a year. To be given the respect and the opportunity to be in total concecration.
It is amazing what happens in silence. Real silence. Like after you get past the first few hours of the chatter that feels your brain when you start to be silent you really start to embark on a deeper level of connectedness.
I can remember writing during this time and literally feeling my mind open up to other thoughts. Those that were below the surface. And it was beautiful. Im craving that today. Lately my mind is so full. Life, work, kids, grandkids, school, finances, health, etc....It is sometimes overwhelming and I feel I lose what I really need in the noise. Like why do I get so frustrated when others make bad choices (according to me) about their lives. Why do I care? And why does it bother me when people take advantage of me. I must be the one letting them. Why dont I think about this before letting them push me too far? It is my choice. Ugg! I want to find a way to have some silence soon. I need Gods guidance and I know that in the silence I hear Him so clear. hmmmmm how to do it.

To be someones mama

Tomorrow is mothers day. That date on the calendar that is set aside to celebrate Motherhood. No one except a Mother would even appreciate what that means. Its more than a title or an position in the family tree. It is an experience. A gift. A blessing. And most of the time it is what breaks your heart. I have had the very fortunate opportunity to be the mother to two children and three grandchildren. For a little over 23 years I have been experiencing this yo-yo, rollercoaster thing calling mommyhood. They break your heart, mend your heart, fill your heart, soften your heart and then they break it again. Its is a constant cycle of joys and sorrows. Never ending. Not that I would want it to. Motherhood though to me is serious. Not something I take for granted. I think that is what makes it hard sometimes. When you feel like those you care about the most do not see how hard you are trying to do everything in their best interest.

I started this journey when I was still a child myself. 18 years old and thought I knew everything. The person who was the only real "mom" I ever had died when I was 13. The woman who gave birth to me I came to accept was one of those "oops" mothers. You know the ones "oops I got pregnant and now I have a child and I hate it!". So I was determined to be better than any of that. I wanted to be a mother. It is the one thing I thought I could do very well. Because if nothing else, I know how to love people. I know how to make a person feel loved and cared for. To me if a child has that then everything else will fall into place.

Today, I hope that my children and grandchildren know in their hearts that no one can possibly love them more than I do. I know I have'nt been able to lavish them with expensive gifts, new cars and new homes. But I always did the best I could and tried to keep their best interests at heart when doing anything.

Even today. I spend more time without my children than with them. They live here and I still dont get to see them much. They are growing up and finding their own way. It breaks my heart constantly. I miss all the time with them. But one day hopefully they will recognize that mama isnt trying to smother them. Just love them. Loving them is all I know. And it doesnt end because they grow older.

Adjusting moi!

My life has been one "adjustment" after the other. Familial relationships, career decisions, education, hair styles, addresses, and now weight loss. Im on the second "adjustment" and I think Im starting to get it. Does that make sense?
I know I have to eat smarter, move more and take it day by day. It will be an ongoing day to day sometimes minute by minute struggle. But Im starting to make lasting strides. I am down 23 pounds since October. I think that is pretty good.
I took the day off of work today because my newest blessing of a grandson is still in the hospital and I wanted to spend time visiting him. Things are so confusing. I wish I could have things differently than they are. But thats what I need to realize. I can only control what I am in control of. ME. My life isnt a Currier and Ives painting. Everything isnt a bowl of cherries. But it is my life and I can just roll with the punches. That is the hard part for me. I have always been a dreamer. I have wanted things to be the way they are in my dreams. But they will probably just be that. My dreams. My reality is I am a mom, wife and grandmother and everything isnt picture perfect.
But it is mine.My life.

Trois bebe's

On Saturday, November 20, 2010 God Blessed me with my third grandson. I wish I could tell you his name but as of today (11/22/10) they havent decided. He has had three names. He was born at 3:17am on 11/20/10 and was 6 pounds 3ounces and 19 inches long. So now I am surrounded by lovely boys. This newest blessing has jaundice and is now in the Nursey under the special lamps trying to get his bilirubin down. He was born three weeks early. Shay had a pretty simple delivery. Baby three is very calm and quiet. He hardly cries.

Im thankful for my grandsons. They are all a blessing to my life.

24 years ago

Its the strangest feeling to me. I look at this picture. One taken during the summer before my senior year of high school. Im talking strictly on the surface this young lady and the woman I am now are totally different.
I thought I had life in my pocket. It couldnt throw anything my way that I didnt allready have an answer for. Looking back now I can see how naive that was. I was clueless. In two years from this pic I would be a wife and a mother. I wouldnt be pursuing the things I thought I would.
But deep inside I am still this person. Creative, yearning with ideas, full of inspiration, wanting to learn everthing.
I didnt at 17 think I would be here at 40. I didnt ever even think about it. Im not sure if I didnt expect to live this long or if I just didnt look far into the future. Both sound a little like me. I still want to see the world. I still want to experience things. I still want to die holding hands with the man who I love and who loves me. I still have eclectic tastes. I could listen to Duran Duran and Frank Sinatra. Then listen to African Drums and then some Gospel. I love to read fiction and am a total lover or art biographies.
I love very modern decor and then that which is remaniscent of France.
I didnt imagine my life would be where it is now. Im not disappointed in myself because I am following my heart and depending on Gods light to lead me.

Fathers Day-

Ive always had mixed feelings about Fathers Day. For the first 8 years of my life I didnt even know that I was supposed to have a dad. I still do not know 100% who my dad is. But I am so thankful that I had a grandpa who stepped in as father figure in my life. I didnt live with my "pa" full time until I was 12.

But he being the only father I ever sort of had I learned these things from him:

* my work ethic

* my kids come first

* giving up is not an option

* health issues wont stop the show- keep going

* there is nothing as beautiful as flowers

* plant a garden

* Reading IS important

* respect yourself

* Stay out of other peoples business

* you dont always need all of the newest gadgets

* be responsible

*finish what you start- no matter how long it takes

* look around you, outside of your everyday world.

Pa, taught me so much. More and more everyday I notice things that I do that are from his influence in my life. :-)

Hmmm I was thinking....again.

I spent about 6 hours sitting in one of our state parks yesterday. Just hanging out with my sis and my thoughts. Its a blessing and a curse when you get out in the middle of nowhere, no music, no TV and no work. So as I watched the cloud roll by and the wind rushing through the leaves on the tree I was sitting under I had nothing but my thoughts.

*  Why is it that I could once eat anything I want and never pay attention to it ending up on my hips?

*  When am I going to know what my purpose is?

*  Why dont I live near the ocean?

*  Is there something I should know?

* Why cant they make cheesecake that is fabulous and no calories?

*  Is there a videotape somewhere from my encounter with the customs security in Amsterdam?

*  What will I remembered for?

* Why cant my wardrobe be entirely pink?

* Where is the rainbow connection once promised to me by Kermit the Frog?

I think too much.