Sometimes when I cant sleep and tossing in turning becomes a drag I try to think about what it is that is stirring in my mind. Obviously if I cant sleep then there must be things going on. Thoughts that are unfinished. I had a tough day today. Like most days just getting past the physical struggles is the hard part. Just wrestling with the fact that my young body is physically breaking down. That this person who used to be the one in the front of the line is slowly slipping towards the back. Thats frustrating.
So what else is stirring in my mind? Enough to keep this sleep lover awake at 3:30am? A laundry list of lifes little reminders that God is still here working in my life. Sending me tests.
Work is ......well work. The complexities of it arent rocket science but human relations. How do I put myself out there as a leader without looking like a snob. How to deal with the adults who have somehow never left junior high. How to deal with those who would rather spend their day making up crazy gossip about me than approach me as a person. And how do I embrace a new opportunity when I know it will take me from the people I love and care about at work?
I know that to grow you have to take chances. The pain comes when you know that your moving upward will change things. Make a relationship different. Maybe for the better...maybe not.
Then there is the things that always keep me the mom constantly worrying. My babies. My young adult children who will never quite comprehend how I feel about them until they are parents themselves. And then they will only know a part of it. Its like when you get pregnant you are also given this heart that will forever be growing and breaking and mending. Because being a mom is hard. Hard in the sense that for the rest of your life nothing will mean more to you than your babies and no one but you will know how deep that is. When you look at them and your heart cries because it loves them so deeply that you cant even express it enough. Yet you have to be the one who scolds them and disciplines them and then hope that they realize that it is because you LOVE THEM. Not because you are on a power trip or want to ruin their lives. And to want something so badly for them, even more than you have ever wanted something for yourself. And to see them sit on their gifts. My daughter has to be the most beautiful young lady I have ever seen. To the eye she is perfection. Yet she doesnt see that she is so much more than that. She can do anything. And she doesnt believe it. As a mom that is so frustrating. She had to believe it. Then she can have and do anything. I just pray that God helps her see that. My son is the high achiever. He wants it all and isnt afraid to go get it. But lately his head is somewhere else. I dont know. Is it me? Am I just so afraid he is going to get lost that I am paranoid?? I just know that the possibilities are endless for him. God please watch over him.
Then there is my dear husband. In about a week we will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. And everyone didnt think we would make it. HA! I know that I had always wanted a wedding. A real wedding with the dress and the flowers and the music. And hoped that on our 20th we would do that. Unfortunately that wont happen. My sicknesses have put us financially behind. We wanted to go on a trip. Like to Canada and just explore. That too wont be our day. I have been racking my brain as to how to show my husband how special he is to me. We have been through alot. IT ALL. And God knows I am so different now than that 18 year old girl he married. THANK GOD! I know he misses parts of the old me. But I dont. I was meek and afraid. Im still meek and afraid at times but I wont compromise my own values for anyone anymore. I know what I want.
I am sitting here in my bed and wondering what is in the future for this 38 year old woman? What is it that God has in store for me? Am I getting close? Am I in the ballpark? Or am I totally turned around and lost?
My heart reaches for many things. Things colorful and creative. Things in which I can use my heart to heal others and places that feed my creative spirit. I dont expect to be rich in finances but would hope to someday be RICH. In heart, friends and joy. I reach for serenity and peace. I long for happiness. I want people to think of me the way I think of my grandparents. Or the way I think of my best friends. Strong and loving. Unmoveable and unstopable.
That will be my prayers for tomorrow. God make me unmoveable in my faith and unstopable in my dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment