Fathers Day-

Ive always had mixed feelings about Fathers Day. For the first 8 years of my life I didnt even know that I was supposed to have a dad. I still do not know 100% who my dad is. But I am so thankful that I had a grandpa who stepped in as father figure in my life. I didnt live with my "pa" full time until I was 12.

But he being the only father I ever sort of had I learned these things from him:

* my work ethic

* my kids come first

* giving up is not an option

* health issues wont stop the show- keep going

* there is nothing as beautiful as flowers

* plant a garden

* Reading IS important

* respect yourself

* Stay out of other peoples business

* you dont always need all of the newest gadgets

* be responsible

*finish what you start- no matter how long it takes

* look around you, outside of your everyday world.

Pa, taught me so much. More and more everyday I notice things that I do that are from his influence in my life. :-)

Hmmm I was thinking....again.

I spent about 6 hours sitting in one of our state parks yesterday. Just hanging out with my sis and my thoughts. Its a blessing and a curse when you get out in the middle of nowhere, no music, no TV and no work. So as I watched the cloud roll by and the wind rushing through the leaves on the tree I was sitting under I had nothing but my thoughts.

*  Why is it that I could once eat anything I want and never pay attention to it ending up on my hips?

*  When am I going to know what my purpose is?

*  Why dont I live near the ocean?

*  Is there something I should know?

* Why cant they make cheesecake that is fabulous and no calories?

*  Is there a videotape somewhere from my encounter with the customs security in Amsterdam?

*  What will I remembered for?

* Why cant my wardrobe be entirely pink?

* Where is the rainbow connection once promised to me by Kermit the Frog?

I think too much.

 

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."

this Mums love..

22 1/2 years ago I was blessed for the first time with the gift of becoming a mother. My beautiful baby Shay was more than I thought my heart could take. I wondered why did I get to be so blessed with having such a beautiful gift. She was perfect n every way. She was a good baby, was smart, quick to reach all of the prescribed milestones. She was the star in her daddys eyes. Always by his side. A couple of years later I had the perfect pair. God gave me a wonderful baby boy. He was bubbly, happy and spoiled rotten by this mama. He was the kid who wanted to learn about everything, join every group and every sport. He was the son everyone said I was blessed to have. ( I agree).

I became a member of the young grammys club 17 months ago. My daughter gave me a sweet little package and a new title Grammy. Being a grammy wasnt in my plans at 40, however it is the best surprise I ever received. He is amazing. He is so much more in my life than I thought a little life could be. 5 months ago my son and his fiance gave me another sweet bundle of joy. My second grandson. He is just as amazing as my first. They are so sweet, smart and a gift I didnt know I needed. Im so blessed! I miss them when they are not here. All of them. I may be crazy but I wish I could move all of my kids and grandkids back home with me. Not that theyd want to. And I know that all kids must grow up and make a life of their own. But I miss them. I miss their voices, their commotion, their presence in my home. Its so strange them not being here. I dont know how Im supposed to live without them in my day to day life. I miss them terribly. I worry about them every day. This mums love is hard to not feel lonely for them. I hope that they know it. I hope they believe it. I hope they feel it, everyday, every moment, for the rest of my life.

3 months into my journey

I am now three months into my journey of change. I decided that now is the time. Im tired of not feeling like, looking like or living like the woman I know I am. Its very frustrating to know that I grew up healthy, and until I started having multiple medical problems I was actually able to walk up a hill without thinking I was going to pass out. I was once active. I loved to ride bikes, rollerskate, go to the gym, swim and embark on multiple miles of walking.

Three months ago I said no more. I know its going to be a journey full of struggle and soul searching. Looking deep within my obese body and finding the strength to say no to that cheesecake and yes to the fresh fruit. At the end of 6 months I have decided to add another tool to my weight loss journey. But to start I will be more aware of what I feed my hunger and what steps I take everyday. It has been my struggle for at least 10 years now. Im too young and potentially have too much life left to just let myself go like this. So Im taking the steps. My legs forsake me much of the time. But I keep going knowing that even though now they are sore and swollen that one day it will get better. And more and more each day it will be easier.

I started a Weight loss/health team at work. We are calling ourselves the "Sassy Sirens". There are 18 of us who have decided to help each other and be supportive to one anothers efforts. Since starting that team in May I have lost 18.8 pounds. I have been eating little carbs and trying to do my best to not skip meals. We go walking around the lake at work and then we gather as a group and walk around another lake in the evenings. It is the support and shared vision of a healthier life that makes it so much easier in a group. I cant wait to see our results in a year!

But for me, its about being able to live the life I want to live. I cant enjoy swimming right now because you couldnt pay me to wear a bathing suit. I cant bike ride because I get to sore with my big self on a bike. I cant run and play with my grandsons.

Im preparing myself for the changes to come soon. Im not naive enough to think its all going to happen overnite or even be easier. But it will be possible. And just the possibility of having my life back will be worth the journey.

Enjoying just being me

Life can be so complicated. I know that alot of time it is complicated for me. And much of the complications are because I allow things to get that way. By design I am not a complicated person. Im pretty simple. I like the basics. My kids say Im "old fashioned". I used to take offense to that. With visions of grannies in rocking chairs, sporting buns and long skirts. But when I think about it I kind of appreciate the thought of being 'old fashioned". To me they are saying I play by the rules ( most of the time) that Im respectful and reverant. I think about the consequences of my actions before reacting. So in that way. I am definately 100% old fashioned.
But I am also more than what you see on the outside. I have a large list of interests and hobbies. Most of which no one I am related to even cares about. So my family tends to think I dont do anything or "Im boring". I take offense to that however I also cant make people care about the things I care about. I think Im a pretty cool person. Im dont have tunnel vision. I can enjoy music from Classical to Techno, from Gospel to 80's pop. I have an interest in people, places, experiences, arts, arts, arts.
Where the disconnect comes is from the fact that I am married, have children and grandchildren and I feel alone sometimes. Alone in that in order to expand my mind or enjoy my interests I have to do them alone or with people who dont share a familial bond with me. That makes me sad. I want my daughter to share nights at the art galleries with me. And spend days painting with my son. And try new, creative dishes with my spouse. And I want to spend time with my family. And they repeat over and over I am borning. Are you kidding me? Im a freaking fabulous and interesting woman. Give me some credit here. I have things to share.
So then lonliness sets in. Guilt if I spend time with my few friends doing the things I love. Yet if I dont do those things then I would never get to do them.
I have a goal list/bucket list a mile long. Things Ive always wanted to try before I die.
First and foremost there was being about to go to Paris. I did that last March. Im grateful. It was worth the wait. But there is so much more. Not many things that require as much money or planning as Europe but things I want to do or try before my life comes to an end.
I want to introduce things to my grandkids. I want them to have experiences so they dont have tunnel vision. I want them to see the possibilities of life. All the things that they can experience and enjoy. Their lives can be so much more than they can imagine.
Im trying to show them, by them I mean everyone around me. Im so much more than they imagine. Im just trying to enjoy being me and hopefully people will see I am amazing.

The reason.....

I have many reasons to be thankful, to get out of bed in the morning, to smile, to breathe. One of the greatest is this little guy right here. Najee is my 16 month old grandson. Im a member of the young grammys club. At 40 I am allready embracing the joys of being a grandparent. But his amazing smile that shine all the way through his eyes gets me going. Keeps me going. There is an amazing love you get to have for the child of your child. I never imagined that I could love someone as much as the fruit of my womb. But amazingly enough it is even more so. Its more so in a different way. When I look at Najee I see deep into his heart and I think he can see mine. Its like we allready have a bond that is unbreakable and inexplainable. I remember the love I had for my grandma and grandpa Townsend. They were definately more like parents to me than grandparents. And the love I had for them was coupled with the knowledge that I knew they loved me unconditionally.

Najee and I spend almost every weekend together. We learn from each other and it is beautiful to me. I enjoy watching him explore and try new things. I like to take him to the museum, the park and we love to read together.

Najee is the reason, most days, I smile. He is just plainly my reason. I love him with all of my heart, he makes life so much more special. I thank God for this great big blessing that is the little person.