Faith...the substance of things hoped for...

Faith...you gotta have it. And I know I do. I rely on it because I am fully aware that I have a reason and a purpose for being on this planet and God has put things in order for me. That doesnt mean that the bad, hard times wont come or that I always willingly go along with the plan. But I do know in my heart that God is the author of my life so whatever happens will be for the good.

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to a group of women I have worked side by side with for over 3 years. And even though I will be in the same hospital I will not get to work with them closely. Thats hard when they have become my family. Through surgeries, Cancer, life, kids, etc they were there. Holding my hand and making me smile.

Monday I have to put all of my faith in the prayers I have been praying. For God to open up doors for me at work. SO I can move up the food chain, so I can be more financially stable. I will start my new position with optimism. I know that I am probably not going to be welcomed with open arms and there are those who just plain dont like me down there. However, God is going to make it possible for me to be ok there and maybe even be a positive influence. I know that my new cowokers are good people. Maybe all the ill feelings towards me will change when they realize that we are all just people trying to get to the same finish line. Thats where my faith has to come in. Knowing in my heart that everything is going to be ok. That it may just be akward for awhile but it will get easier.

New Chapters

Yesterday I accepted an offer and will therefore start a new chapter in my life. It wont be totally new or foreign to me. Same hospital, same department, different responsibilities. Im excited and scared. Scared because there is nothing wrong with what I am doing now. But when you get the chance to move up the ladder so to speak you take that chance. Im praying it is a good move for me. It is just nice to have your work noticed. SO....Monday will be the big day when my hours change, my responsibilities change and I take that big step into a new chapter. People who know me best will know how hard this is for me. Mainly because I have a hard time leaving things that allready perfect for me. I make strong relationships at work and I will miss working side by side with Karen, Susan, Shelly, Amy, Michaela, and Julie. They are my moms, sisters, friends and have been there for me through some really hard times. Its not like I wont see them at all anymore. But I wont be there day in and day out and wont be able to sit and talk. I will miss that. I know who I can count on and not. Going to a different part of the department will be hard. I know all of those people. I have worked with them. But I have never had to work day in and out with them. It will be good. Im just nervous. Will we be able to create the bonds that I have in my current job or will these people not want to go there. I feel it is important to have those relationships at work because you spend so much time with these people away from your family.
For me this new chapter is just an answer to a prayer that I put out there a while ago. I asked that God open up opportunities for me at Saint Elizabeth if they are in my best interest. So I have to trust that this is in Gods plan for me and to just go with it. I will miss my friends. However, I hope I make new friendships and business contacts. I hope that one day my chapter leads to even bigger possibilites at Saint Elizabeth.

The things my heart reaches for.

Sometimes when I cant sleep and tossing in turning becomes a drag I try to think about what it is that is stirring in my mind. Obviously if I cant sleep then there must be things going on. Thoughts that are unfinished. I had a tough day today. Like most days just getting past the physical struggles is the hard part. Just wrestling with the fact that my young body is physically breaking down. That this person who used to be the one in the front of the line is slowly slipping towards the back. Thats frustrating.
So what else is stirring in my mind? Enough to keep this sleep lover awake at 3:30am? A laundry list of lifes little reminders that God is still here working in my life. Sending me tests.
Work is ......well work. The complexities of it arent rocket science but human relations. How do I put myself out there as a leader without looking like a snob. How to deal with the adults who have somehow never left junior high. How to deal with those who would rather spend their day making up crazy gossip about me than approach me as a person. And how do I embrace a new opportunity when I know it will take me from the people I love and care about at work?
I know that to grow you have to take chances. The pain comes when you know that your moving upward will change things. Make a relationship different. Maybe for the better...maybe not.
Then there is the things that always keep me the mom constantly worrying. My babies. My young adult children who will never quite comprehend how I feel about them until they are parents themselves. And then they will only know a part of it. Its like when you get pregnant you are also given this heart that will forever be growing and breaking and mending. Because being a mom is hard. Hard in the sense that for the rest of your life nothing will mean more to you than your babies and no one but you will know how deep that is. When you look at them and your heart cries because it loves them so deeply that you cant even express it enough. Yet you have to be the one who scolds them and disciplines them and then hope that they realize that it is because you LOVE THEM. Not because you are on a power trip or want to ruin their lives. And to want something so badly for them, even more than you have ever wanted something for yourself. And to see them sit on their gifts. My daughter has to be the most beautiful young lady I have ever seen. To the eye she is perfection. Yet she doesnt see that she is so much more than that. She can do anything. And she doesnt believe it. As a mom that is so frustrating. She had to believe it. Then she can have and do anything. I just pray that God helps her see that. My son is the high achiever. He wants it all and isnt afraid to go get it. But lately his head is somewhere else. I dont know. Is it me? Am I just so afraid he is going to get lost that I am paranoid?? I just know that the possibilities are endless for him. God please watch over him.
Then there is my dear husband. In about a week we will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. And everyone didnt think we would make it. HA! I know that I had always wanted a wedding. A real wedding with the dress and the flowers and the music. And hoped that on our 20th we would do that. Unfortunately that wont happen. My sicknesses have put us financially behind. We wanted to go on a trip. Like to Canada and just explore. That too wont be our day. I have been racking my brain as to how to show my husband how special he is to me. We have been through alot. IT ALL. And God knows I am so different now than that 18 year old girl he married. THANK GOD! I know he misses parts of the old me. But I dont. I was meek and afraid. Im still meek and afraid at times but I wont compromise my own values for anyone anymore. I know what I want.
I am sitting here in my bed and wondering what is in the future for this 38 year old woman? What is it that God has in store for me? Am I getting close? Am I in the ballpark? Or am I totally turned around and lost?
My heart reaches for many things. Things colorful and creative. Things in which I can use my heart to heal others and places that feed my creative spirit. I dont expect to be rich in finances but would hope to someday be RICH. In heart, friends and joy. I reach for serenity and peace. I long for happiness. I want people to think of me the way I think of my grandparents. Or the way I think of my best friends. Strong and loving. Unmoveable and unstopable.
That will be my prayers for tomorrow. God make me unmoveable in my faith and unstopable in my dreams.

Save a Prayer

You saw me standing by the wall, Corner of a main street.
And the lights are flashing on your window sill.
All alone ain't much fun, So you're looking for the thrill.
And you know just what it takes and where to go.

Don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
No, don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after

Feel the breeze deep on the inside,
Look you down into your well
If you can, you'll see the world in all his fire
Take a chance (Like all dreamers can't find another way)
You don't have to dream it all, just live a day

Don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
No, don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after,
Save it till the morning after

Pretty looking road,
Try to hold the rising floods that fill my skin
Don't ask me why I'll keep my promise,
Melt the ice
And you wanted to dance
so I asked you to dance
But fear is in your soul
Some people call it a one night stand
But we can call it paradise

Don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
No, don't say a prayer for me now,
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after
Save it 'til the morning after
Save a prayer 'til the morning after