Tomorrow is mothers day. That date on the calendar that is set aside to celebrate Motherhood. No one except a Mother would even appreciate what that means. Its more than a title or an position in the family tree. It is an experience. A gift. A blessing. And most of the time it is what breaks your heart. I have had the very fortunate opportunity to be the mother to two children and three grandchildren. For a little over 23 years I have been experiencing this yo-yo, rollercoaster thing calling mommyhood. They break your heart, mend your heart, fill your heart, soften your heart and then they break it again. Its is a constant cycle of joys and sorrows. Never ending. Not that I would want it to. Motherhood though to me is serious. Not something I take for granted. I think that is what makes it hard sometimes. When you feel like those you care about the most do not see how hard you are trying to do everything in their best interest.
I started this journey when I was still a child myself. 18 years old and thought I knew everything. The person who was the only real "mom" I ever had died when I was 13. The woman who gave birth to me I came to accept was one of those "oops" mothers. You know the ones "oops I got pregnant and now I have a child and I hate it!". So I was determined to be better than any of that. I wanted to be a mother. It is the one thing I thought I could do very well. Because if nothing else, I know how to love people. I know how to make a person feel loved and cared for. To me if a child has that then everything else will fall into place.
Today, I hope that my children and grandchildren know in their hearts that no one can possibly love them more than I do. I know I have'nt been able to lavish them with expensive gifts, new cars and new homes. But I always did the best I could and tried to keep their best interests at heart when doing anything.
Even today. I spend more time without my children than with them. They live here and I still dont get to see them much. They are growing up and finding their own way. It breaks my heart constantly. I miss all the time with them. But one day hopefully they will recognize that mama isnt trying to smother them. Just love them. Loving them is all I know. And it doesnt end because they grow older.
