Adjusting moi!

My life has been one "adjustment" after the other. Familial relationships, career decisions, education, hair styles, addresses, and now weight loss. Im on the second "adjustment" and I think Im starting to get it. Does that make sense?
I know I have to eat smarter, move more and take it day by day. It will be an ongoing day to day sometimes minute by minute struggle. But Im starting to make lasting strides. I am down 23 pounds since October. I think that is pretty good.
I took the day off of work today because my newest blessing of a grandson is still in the hospital and I wanted to spend time visiting him. Things are so confusing. I wish I could have things differently than they are. But thats what I need to realize. I can only control what I am in control of. ME. My life isnt a Currier and Ives painting. Everything isnt a bowl of cherries. But it is my life and I can just roll with the punches. That is the hard part for me. I have always been a dreamer. I have wanted things to be the way they are in my dreams. But they will probably just be that. My dreams. My reality is I am a mom, wife and grandmother and everything isnt picture perfect.
But it is mine.My life.

Trois bebe's

On Saturday, November 20, 2010 God Blessed me with my third grandson. I wish I could tell you his name but as of today (11/22/10) they havent decided. He has had three names. He was born at 3:17am on 11/20/10 and was 6 pounds 3ounces and 19 inches long. So now I am surrounded by lovely boys. This newest blessing has jaundice and is now in the Nursey under the special lamps trying to get his bilirubin down. He was born three weeks early. Shay had a pretty simple delivery. Baby three is very calm and quiet. He hardly cries.

Im thankful for my grandsons. They are all a blessing to my life.

24 years ago

Its the strangest feeling to me. I look at this picture. One taken during the summer before my senior year of high school. Im talking strictly on the surface this young lady and the woman I am now are totally different.
I thought I had life in my pocket. It couldnt throw anything my way that I didnt allready have an answer for. Looking back now I can see how naive that was. I was clueless. In two years from this pic I would be a wife and a mother. I wouldnt be pursuing the things I thought I would.
But deep inside I am still this person. Creative, yearning with ideas, full of inspiration, wanting to learn everthing.
I didnt at 17 think I would be here at 40. I didnt ever even think about it. Im not sure if I didnt expect to live this long or if I just didnt look far into the future. Both sound a little like me. I still want to see the world. I still want to experience things. I still want to die holding hands with the man who I love and who loves me. I still have eclectic tastes. I could listen to Duran Duran and Frank Sinatra. Then listen to African Drums and then some Gospel. I love to read fiction and am a total lover or art biographies.
I love very modern decor and then that which is remaniscent of France.
I didnt imagine my life would be where it is now. Im not disappointed in myself because I am following my heart and depending on Gods light to lead me.

Fathers Day-

Ive always had mixed feelings about Fathers Day. For the first 8 years of my life I didnt even know that I was supposed to have a dad. I still do not know 100% who my dad is. But I am so thankful that I had a grandpa who stepped in as father figure in my life. I didnt live with my "pa" full time until I was 12.

But he being the only father I ever sort of had I learned these things from him:

* my work ethic

* my kids come first

* giving up is not an option

* health issues wont stop the show- keep going

* there is nothing as beautiful as flowers

* plant a garden

* Reading IS important

* respect yourself

* Stay out of other peoples business

* you dont always need all of the newest gadgets

* be responsible

*finish what you start- no matter how long it takes

* look around you, outside of your everyday world.

Pa, taught me so much. More and more everyday I notice things that I do that are from his influence in my life. :-)

Hmmm I was thinking....again.

I spent about 6 hours sitting in one of our state parks yesterday. Just hanging out with my sis and my thoughts. Its a blessing and a curse when you get out in the middle of nowhere, no music, no TV and no work. So as I watched the cloud roll by and the wind rushing through the leaves on the tree I was sitting under I had nothing but my thoughts.

*  Why is it that I could once eat anything I want and never pay attention to it ending up on my hips?

*  When am I going to know what my purpose is?

*  Why dont I live near the ocean?

*  Is there something I should know?

* Why cant they make cheesecake that is fabulous and no calories?

*  Is there a videotape somewhere from my encounter with the customs security in Amsterdam?

*  What will I remembered for?

* Why cant my wardrobe be entirely pink?

* Where is the rainbow connection once promised to me by Kermit the Frog?

I think too much.

 

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."

this Mums love..

22 1/2 years ago I was blessed for the first time with the gift of becoming a mother. My beautiful baby Shay was more than I thought my heart could take. I wondered why did I get to be so blessed with having such a beautiful gift. She was perfect n every way. She was a good baby, was smart, quick to reach all of the prescribed milestones. She was the star in her daddys eyes. Always by his side. A couple of years later I had the perfect pair. God gave me a wonderful baby boy. He was bubbly, happy and spoiled rotten by this mama. He was the kid who wanted to learn about everything, join every group and every sport. He was the son everyone said I was blessed to have. ( I agree).

I became a member of the young grammys club 17 months ago. My daughter gave me a sweet little package and a new title Grammy. Being a grammy wasnt in my plans at 40, however it is the best surprise I ever received. He is amazing. He is so much more in my life than I thought a little life could be. 5 months ago my son and his fiance gave me another sweet bundle of joy. My second grandson. He is just as amazing as my first. They are so sweet, smart and a gift I didnt know I needed. Im so blessed! I miss them when they are not here. All of them. I may be crazy but I wish I could move all of my kids and grandkids back home with me. Not that theyd want to. And I know that all kids must grow up and make a life of their own. But I miss them. I miss their voices, their commotion, their presence in my home. Its so strange them not being here. I dont know how Im supposed to live without them in my day to day life. I miss them terribly. I worry about them every day. This mums love is hard to not feel lonely for them. I hope that they know it. I hope they believe it. I hope they feel it, everyday, every moment, for the rest of my life.

3 months into my journey

I am now three months into my journey of change. I decided that now is the time. Im tired of not feeling like, looking like or living like the woman I know I am. Its very frustrating to know that I grew up healthy, and until I started having multiple medical problems I was actually able to walk up a hill without thinking I was going to pass out. I was once active. I loved to ride bikes, rollerskate, go to the gym, swim and embark on multiple miles of walking.

Three months ago I said no more. I know its going to be a journey full of struggle and soul searching. Looking deep within my obese body and finding the strength to say no to that cheesecake and yes to the fresh fruit. At the end of 6 months I have decided to add another tool to my weight loss journey. But to start I will be more aware of what I feed my hunger and what steps I take everyday. It has been my struggle for at least 10 years now. Im too young and potentially have too much life left to just let myself go like this. So Im taking the steps. My legs forsake me much of the time. But I keep going knowing that even though now they are sore and swollen that one day it will get better. And more and more each day it will be easier.

I started a Weight loss/health team at work. We are calling ourselves the "Sassy Sirens". There are 18 of us who have decided to help each other and be supportive to one anothers efforts. Since starting that team in May I have lost 18.8 pounds. I have been eating little carbs and trying to do my best to not skip meals. We go walking around the lake at work and then we gather as a group and walk around another lake in the evenings. It is the support and shared vision of a healthier life that makes it so much easier in a group. I cant wait to see our results in a year!

But for me, its about being able to live the life I want to live. I cant enjoy swimming right now because you couldnt pay me to wear a bathing suit. I cant bike ride because I get to sore with my big self on a bike. I cant run and play with my grandsons.

Im preparing myself for the changes to come soon. Im not naive enough to think its all going to happen overnite or even be easier. But it will be possible. And just the possibility of having my life back will be worth the journey.

Enjoying just being me

Life can be so complicated. I know that alot of time it is complicated for me. And much of the complications are because I allow things to get that way. By design I am not a complicated person. Im pretty simple. I like the basics. My kids say Im "old fashioned". I used to take offense to that. With visions of grannies in rocking chairs, sporting buns and long skirts. But when I think about it I kind of appreciate the thought of being 'old fashioned". To me they are saying I play by the rules ( most of the time) that Im respectful and reverant. I think about the consequences of my actions before reacting. So in that way. I am definately 100% old fashioned.
But I am also more than what you see on the outside. I have a large list of interests and hobbies. Most of which no one I am related to even cares about. So my family tends to think I dont do anything or "Im boring". I take offense to that however I also cant make people care about the things I care about. I think Im a pretty cool person. Im dont have tunnel vision. I can enjoy music from Classical to Techno, from Gospel to 80's pop. I have an interest in people, places, experiences, arts, arts, arts.
Where the disconnect comes is from the fact that I am married, have children and grandchildren and I feel alone sometimes. Alone in that in order to expand my mind or enjoy my interests I have to do them alone or with people who dont share a familial bond with me. That makes me sad. I want my daughter to share nights at the art galleries with me. And spend days painting with my son. And try new, creative dishes with my spouse. And I want to spend time with my family. And they repeat over and over I am borning. Are you kidding me? Im a freaking fabulous and interesting woman. Give me some credit here. I have things to share.
So then lonliness sets in. Guilt if I spend time with my few friends doing the things I love. Yet if I dont do those things then I would never get to do them.
I have a goal list/bucket list a mile long. Things Ive always wanted to try before I die.
First and foremost there was being about to go to Paris. I did that last March. Im grateful. It was worth the wait. But there is so much more. Not many things that require as much money or planning as Europe but things I want to do or try before my life comes to an end.
I want to introduce things to my grandkids. I want them to have experiences so they dont have tunnel vision. I want them to see the possibilities of life. All the things that they can experience and enjoy. Their lives can be so much more than they can imagine.
Im trying to show them, by them I mean everyone around me. Im so much more than they imagine. Im just trying to enjoy being me and hopefully people will see I am amazing.

The reason.....

I have many reasons to be thankful, to get out of bed in the morning, to smile, to breathe. One of the greatest is this little guy right here. Najee is my 16 month old grandson. Im a member of the young grammys club. At 40 I am allready embracing the joys of being a grandparent. But his amazing smile that shine all the way through his eyes gets me going. Keeps me going. There is an amazing love you get to have for the child of your child. I never imagined that I could love someone as much as the fruit of my womb. But amazingly enough it is even more so. Its more so in a different way. When I look at Najee I see deep into his heart and I think he can see mine. Its like we allready have a bond that is unbreakable and inexplainable. I remember the love I had for my grandma and grandpa Townsend. They were definately more like parents to me than grandparents. And the love I had for them was coupled with the knowledge that I knew they loved me unconditionally.

Najee and I spend almost every weekend together. We learn from each other and it is beautiful to me. I enjoy watching him explore and try new things. I like to take him to the museum, the park and we love to read together.

Najee is the reason, most days, I smile. He is just plainly my reason. I love him with all of my heart, he makes life so much more special. I thank God for this great big blessing that is the little person.

Frozen here on the ladder of my life...

There is a line in one of my favorite Elton John songs that says " I cant light no more of your darkness, All my pictures seem to fade to black and white, Im growing tired, and time stands still before me, Frozen here on the ladder of my life". And that is just how my heavy heart is feeling right now.

On January 11th I received the news that Uncle Jim had went missing and then they found him, dead. Since then I have had no resolution. His wife wont share any information with me. She isnt having a funeral or memorial service for him. And most of all the friend, the father figure I had is now gone.We used to play scrabble online together. He cared about my future, my kids and grands. Now what....no answers. Just frozen here. In that horrible moment when someone with no feelings posted on facebook that my beloved unlce was dead. And now 20 days later I still have no resolution.

I feel like I keep going through test after test, Not sure why I seem to need so many. Maybe I dont have a clue. Maybe Im just like those people that I think are walking around out there totally lost.

Someone told me the other day that they wished they were as brave and bold as I am. Who me? I must be good at faking it. Someone once told me " to fake it till you make it". I guess thats what I do. Because I am very afraid even in some of the most insignificant moments. Fear leads me by the ear all the time. I am always very aware of the fact that I can fall flat on my face at any moment. In work, relationships, just life in general. Im afraid of stepping out and being me.

There have been a couple of people in my life that have been able to see right through my masquerade. Those who notice I laugh when I want to cry. That I get quiet when Im extremely angry. And have called me on it. I remember thinking " Wow, if they can see that in me, what else can they see?" Not that I have many secrets, at least not the kind that would cause the world to stop turning. But those things that we just dont tell everyone. Our weakness, our quirks, the things that are holding us back from being authentic.
Authenticity....a word that makes me take a deep breath.

I dont think I have ever lived 100% authentically. The me, the real me, without regards to what anyone else thinks or feels about it. Why do I care so much about what other people think?

I tend to live my life with the wall built around me, In the past year Ive let my wall down about three times and since have had to build it even higher. Letting people into my life, in my heart only to find out they were not truly my friends. Or they destroyed any bit of trust I had built in them.

Im sitting here. My home silent except for hum of this computer and the spinning of the fan. I take a deep breath because once again I realize Im holding my breath. I thinking about the physical transformation that my body is taking, achy, stinging, and heavy with pain. I think back to the walk along the Seine last March. The way I felt everthing was for me. The way the boats were docked, the Parisians peddling past me on their bikes. The way the sun was setting as if to highlight everthing I was taking in. I can hear the water lapping up on the banks of that solemn river. Pristine and poetic. I wanted to stay in the moment forever. It was just as I had imagined. Soothing my soul like a warm blanket. I remembered looking around. At the people, at this bustling city. And I remember feeling like I was home. Like I had been lost and now I was home. I had only felt that feeling one other time in my life. At a silent retreat I attended in 2005.

It was strange because I didnt feel at home, I felt like a tourist in Amsterdam, in Lisbon, in Lourdes and in Rome. But in Paris. I felt safe. And like I could breathe in a way I never had before.

I miss it so much. Especially now. At a time when things are going to fast, when my life is so hectic. Im a grandmother, twice. Im a wife. Im the boss at work. And I feel completely alone. I pray for guidance and strength. Thats all I know to do. Pray. Pray and Pray.

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