Fall into place

Well Im waiting......as usual for something to fall into place.
My friend told me a couple of months ago that we are definately going to Europe in March. The 9th-22nd to be exact. And I am super excited. I have my passport etc. She said that 1/2 of my trip fare is taken care of...That still leaves about $2500 I need to come up with. Might as well be a million. So I finally decided. Ok. Im a big girl. I am just going to have to get a pt job to supplement my income so I have money for the trip. I finally got a nibble and landed a job working pt at walmart. I worked 5 days and thought I was going to die of intense leg pain everyday. Working my FT job from 0900-1730 and then working at wally world from 1800-2300. I cant do it. I had to call and quit today. I still cant walk comfortably. I fell so terrible. I dont know what to do. Lonnie keeps saying...dont worry, if God wants you to go then you will be able to go. I also know that Lonnie doesnt want me to go at all.
I just hope that something happens where I can go. I want to go so much. It isnt just a want. It feels like a need. Like there is something there I have been looking for my whole life and I need to go see it. I cant explain it...We will see what happens

Do you know what you want?

How do you know what you want? How do you know for sure? Does it change with every breath, mood, day? Or have you always known.

I know what I want so much sometimes that my soul aches for it, and then I get to the point where I start to question if I ever knew.

I look at this little girl. Playing in her front yard, carrying her TV guide and the only care she probably had was where are my toys, when is my nap and where is my juice???

I wonder if when I was this little did I allready know? Who I was or was going to be? Or was I as lost as I am now, 36 years later.

People say that our lives are allready mapped out for us. I think to some degree they are. The main purpose is allready determined for us. Gods Plan. But can we mess it up? can we do something that takes us out of our purpose and leads us down a road so far that we never find our way back.

I dont know. I just feel alot of the time like I am not living my dreams. My full potential. I feel it in little snipits here and there. When Im in an art gallery, when I am creating something. When I am helping people and they appreciate my help. Or when I am doing something not in my normal day to day routine. Like when I go shoot pics or when I create a new torn paper collage and present it to someone as a gift.

The thing in life is so short. I mean really. 39 years have come and gone. GONE! and what have I done? More than some people I know. I have two wonderful young adults. I have a husband of 20 years. I have a college degree, and a thesis away from a masters. I have won awards, I have travelled the US. I have survived Cancer and a traumatic injury to my rt leg. But what am I holding back? What am I afraid of? That resonates in me. FEAR. Why am I afraid? Where the heck did I learn that in my life? Cause I cant remember not ever having it. And by fear I mean that kind of feeling that keeps me from going for it. That little voice that says " No one cares about your art" " You arent good at that" " You are stupid", and " People will laugh at you". I mean, why didnt I get a degree in Art or some related field? Something that had been in my heart since I was a little kid? Or why havent I gone to Europe the few chances I have had to go? WHY? What am I waiting for? What am I afraid of? Why is it that so many women my age allready have everything figured out. Or are they just better at hiding their frusteration with themselves?

I want to be more on track by the time I turn 40. That gives me exactly a year. To start setting a goal that I can achieve. Not a bunch of goals that sound good but are unattainable. Realistically. I am not that hard to please. My dreams arent that far fetched.

So do I even know what I want?

Yes and No.

I think I do.

I want to be an artist. I want to be able to financially be an artist. At least to know that I can afford to make a go at it. Supplies are expensive.

I want to be the mom my kids are able to turn to for everything. And the person they want to turn to.

I want to travel the world. Especially Paris, London and the Caribbean. Nothing expensive and fancy just comfortable.

I want to have a job that makes me happy. By happy I mean a place that when I go there everyday I feel a sense of fullfillment. That I gave my all and it gave back to me.

What is so hard about that.

I want to visit art galleries, talk to interesting people. I want to serve mankind.

I just dont know exactly how to get there from here. From where I am.

Echos growing from the heart of twilight...

It seems as though just as when I start to grab a footing I am given a new hurdle.When I think about it I should probably be well adapted to handle just about anything. Not to say that there isnt more I could go through, more lessons to learn, more bridges to cross. The saying goes that God will not give you more than you can handle. Interesting. Only because I must be alot stronger than I imagine. Everytime I get to the place where I dont think I can handle much more I get through it. I emerge on the other side. Not always victorious but unharmed. No permanent damage. So I start to think when is this all going to end for me? Will one day I not " get through" something. Will I end up a pile of goo? And if I am being made stronger by surviving all of these tests what am I being made stronger for? What is my purpose? Am I totally missing out on the message?

I sometimes wonder if I am truly alone in all of this? I believe that God is there. But when I am feeliing lost and full of despair do others notice? Or do I just seem like some miserable person who is a waste of time for others. Do others think I am weak or pathetic?

I just dont think I am as strong as I seem at times and that I am stronger at other times than people give me credit for.

I am just tired of being sick. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I dont want people to look at me and make assumptions. I want to be stronger and be able to do the things I want to do everyday. But sometimes its hard to be me when