24 years ago

Its the strangest feeling to me. I look at this picture. One taken during the summer before my senior year of high school. Im talking strictly on the surface this young lady and the woman I am now are totally different.
I thought I had life in my pocket. It couldnt throw anything my way that I didnt allready have an answer for. Looking back now I can see how naive that was. I was clueless. In two years from this pic I would be a wife and a mother. I wouldnt be pursuing the things I thought I would.
But deep inside I am still this person. Creative, yearning with ideas, full of inspiration, wanting to learn everthing.
I didnt at 17 think I would be here at 40. I didnt ever even think about it. Im not sure if I didnt expect to live this long or if I just didnt look far into the future. Both sound a little like me. I still want to see the world. I still want to experience things. I still want to die holding hands with the man who I love and who loves me. I still have eclectic tastes. I could listen to Duran Duran and Frank Sinatra. Then listen to African Drums and then some Gospel. I love to read fiction and am a total lover or art biographies.
I love very modern decor and then that which is remaniscent of France.
I didnt imagine my life would be where it is now. Im not disappointed in myself because I am following my heart and depending on Gods light to lead me.

Fathers Day-

Ive always had mixed feelings about Fathers Day. For the first 8 years of my life I didnt even know that I was supposed to have a dad. I still do not know 100% who my dad is. But I am so thankful that I had a grandpa who stepped in as father figure in my life. I didnt live with my "pa" full time until I was 12.

But he being the only father I ever sort of had I learned these things from him:

* my work ethic

* my kids come first

* giving up is not an option

* health issues wont stop the show- keep going

* there is nothing as beautiful as flowers

* plant a garden

* Reading IS important

* respect yourself

* Stay out of other peoples business

* you dont always need all of the newest gadgets

* be responsible

*finish what you start- no matter how long it takes

* look around you, outside of your everyday world.

Pa, taught me so much. More and more everyday I notice things that I do that are from his influence in my life. :-)

Hmmm I was thinking....again.

I spent about 6 hours sitting in one of our state parks yesterday. Just hanging out with my sis and my thoughts. Its a blessing and a curse when you get out in the middle of nowhere, no music, no TV and no work. So as I watched the cloud roll by and the wind rushing through the leaves on the tree I was sitting under I had nothing but my thoughts.

*  Why is it that I could once eat anything I want and never pay attention to it ending up on my hips?

*  When am I going to know what my purpose is?

*  Why dont I live near the ocean?

*  Is there something I should know?

* Why cant they make cheesecake that is fabulous and no calories?

*  Is there a videotape somewhere from my encounter with the customs security in Amsterdam?

*  What will I remembered for?

* Why cant my wardrobe be entirely pink?

* Where is the rainbow connection once promised to me by Kermit the Frog?

I think too much.

 

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."

this Mums love..

22 1/2 years ago I was blessed for the first time with the gift of becoming a mother. My beautiful baby Shay was more than I thought my heart could take. I wondered why did I get to be so blessed with having such a beautiful gift. She was perfect n every way. She was a good baby, was smart, quick to reach all of the prescribed milestones. She was the star in her daddys eyes. Always by his side. A couple of years later I had the perfect pair. God gave me a wonderful baby boy. He was bubbly, happy and spoiled rotten by this mama. He was the kid who wanted to learn about everything, join every group and every sport. He was the son everyone said I was blessed to have. ( I agree).

I became a member of the young grammys club 17 months ago. My daughter gave me a sweet little package and a new title Grammy. Being a grammy wasnt in my plans at 40, however it is the best surprise I ever received. He is amazing. He is so much more in my life than I thought a little life could be. 5 months ago my son and his fiance gave me another sweet bundle of joy. My second grandson. He is just as amazing as my first. They are so sweet, smart and a gift I didnt know I needed. Im so blessed! I miss them when they are not here. All of them. I may be crazy but I wish I could move all of my kids and grandkids back home with me. Not that theyd want to. And I know that all kids must grow up and make a life of their own. But I miss them. I miss their voices, their commotion, their presence in my home. Its so strange them not being here. I dont know how Im supposed to live without them in my day to day life. I miss them terribly. I worry about them every day. This mums love is hard to not feel lonely for them. I hope that they know it. I hope they believe it. I hope they feel it, everyday, every moment, for the rest of my life.

3 months into my journey

I am now three months into my journey of change. I decided that now is the time. Im tired of not feeling like, looking like or living like the woman I know I am. Its very frustrating to know that I grew up healthy, and until I started having multiple medical problems I was actually able to walk up a hill without thinking I was going to pass out. I was once active. I loved to ride bikes, rollerskate, go to the gym, swim and embark on multiple miles of walking.

Three months ago I said no more. I know its going to be a journey full of struggle and soul searching. Looking deep within my obese body and finding the strength to say no to that cheesecake and yes to the fresh fruit. At the end of 6 months I have decided to add another tool to my weight loss journey. But to start I will be more aware of what I feed my hunger and what steps I take everyday. It has been my struggle for at least 10 years now. Im too young and potentially have too much life left to just let myself go like this. So Im taking the steps. My legs forsake me much of the time. But I keep going knowing that even though now they are sore and swollen that one day it will get better. And more and more each day it will be easier.

I started a Weight loss/health team at work. We are calling ourselves the "Sassy Sirens". There are 18 of us who have decided to help each other and be supportive to one anothers efforts. Since starting that team in May I have lost 18.8 pounds. I have been eating little carbs and trying to do my best to not skip meals. We go walking around the lake at work and then we gather as a group and walk around another lake in the evenings. It is the support and shared vision of a healthier life that makes it so much easier in a group. I cant wait to see our results in a year!

But for me, its about being able to live the life I want to live. I cant enjoy swimming right now because you couldnt pay me to wear a bathing suit. I cant bike ride because I get to sore with my big self on a bike. I cant run and play with my grandsons.

Im preparing myself for the changes to come soon. Im not naive enough to think its all going to happen overnite or even be easier. But it will be possible. And just the possibility of having my life back will be worth the journey.