There is a line in one of my favorite Elton John songs that says " I cant light no more of your darkness, All my pictures seem to fade to black and white, Im growing tired, and time stands still before me, Frozen here on the ladder of my life". And that is just how my heavy heart is feeling right now.
On January 11th I received the news that Uncle Jim had went missing and then they found him, dead. Since then I have had no resolution. His wife wont share any information with me. She isnt having a funeral or memorial service for him. And most of all the friend, the father figure I had is now gone.We used to play scrabble online together. He cared about my future, my kids and grands. Now what....no answers. Just frozen here. In that horrible moment when someone with no feelings posted on facebook that my beloved unlce was dead. And now 20 days later I still have no resolution.
I feel like I keep going through test after test, Not sure why I seem to need so many. Maybe I dont have a clue. Maybe Im just like those people that I think are walking around out there totally lost.
Someone told me the other day that they wished they were as brave and bold as I am. Who me? I must be good at faking it. Someone once told me " to fake it till you make it". I guess thats what I do. Because I am very afraid even in some of the most insignificant moments. Fear leads me by the ear all the time. I am always very aware of the fact that I can fall flat on my face at any moment. In work, relationships, just life in general. Im afraid of stepping out and being me.
There have been a couple of people in my life that have been able to see right through my masquerade. Those who notice I laugh when I want to cry. That I get quiet when Im extremely angry. And have called me on it. I remember thinking " Wow, if they can see that in me, what else can they see?" Not that I have many secrets, at least not the kind that would cause the world to stop turning. But those things that we just dont tell everyone. Our weakness, our quirks, the things that are holding us back from being authentic.
Authenticity....a word that makes me take a deep breath.
Authenticity....a word that makes me take a deep breath.
I dont think I have ever lived 100% authentically. The me, the real me, without regards to what anyone else thinks or feels about it. Why do I care so much about what other people think?
I tend to live my life with the wall built around me, In the past year Ive let my wall down about three times and since have had to build it even higher. Letting people into my life, in my heart only to find out they were not truly my friends. Or they destroyed any bit of trust I had built in them.
Im sitting here. My home silent except for hum of this computer and the spinning of the fan. I take a deep breath because once again I realize Im holding my breath. I thinking about the physical transformation that my body is taking, achy, stinging, and heavy with pain. I think back to the walk along the Seine last March. The way I felt everthing was for me. The way the boats were docked, the Parisians peddling past me on their bikes. The way the sun was setting as if to highlight everthing I was taking in. I can hear the water lapping up on the banks of that solemn river. Pristine and poetic. I wanted to stay in the moment forever. It was just as I had imagined. Soothing my soul like a warm blanket. I remembered looking around. At the people, at this bustling city. And I remember feeling like I was home. Like I had been lost and now I was home. I had only felt that feeling one other time in my life. At a silent retreat I attended in 2005.
It was strange because I didnt feel at home, I felt like a tourist in Amsterdam, in Lisbon, in Lourdes and in Rome. But in Paris. I felt safe. And like I could breathe in a way I never had before.
I miss it so much. Especially now. At a time when things are going to fast, when my life is so hectic. Im a grandmother, twice. Im a wife. Im the boss at work. And I feel completely alone. I pray for guidance and strength. Thats all I know to do. Pray. Pray and Pray.
