Enjoying just being me

Life can be so complicated. I know that alot of time it is complicated for me. And much of the complications are because I allow things to get that way. By design I am not a complicated person. Im pretty simple. I like the basics. My kids say Im "old fashioned". I used to take offense to that. With visions of grannies in rocking chairs, sporting buns and long skirts. But when I think about it I kind of appreciate the thought of being 'old fashioned". To me they are saying I play by the rules ( most of the time) that Im respectful and reverant. I think about the consequences of my actions before reacting. So in that way. I am definately 100% old fashioned.
But I am also more than what you see on the outside. I have a large list of interests and hobbies. Most of which no one I am related to even cares about. So my family tends to think I dont do anything or "Im boring". I take offense to that however I also cant make people care about the things I care about. I think Im a pretty cool person. Im dont have tunnel vision. I can enjoy music from Classical to Techno, from Gospel to 80's pop. I have an interest in people, places, experiences, arts, arts, arts.
Where the disconnect comes is from the fact that I am married, have children and grandchildren and I feel alone sometimes. Alone in that in order to expand my mind or enjoy my interests I have to do them alone or with people who dont share a familial bond with me. That makes me sad. I want my daughter to share nights at the art galleries with me. And spend days painting with my son. And try new, creative dishes with my spouse. And I want to spend time with my family. And they repeat over and over I am borning. Are you kidding me? Im a freaking fabulous and interesting woman. Give me some credit here. I have things to share.
So then lonliness sets in. Guilt if I spend time with my few friends doing the things I love. Yet if I dont do those things then I would never get to do them.
I have a goal list/bucket list a mile long. Things Ive always wanted to try before I die.
First and foremost there was being about to go to Paris. I did that last March. Im grateful. It was worth the wait. But there is so much more. Not many things that require as much money or planning as Europe but things I want to do or try before my life comes to an end.
I want to introduce things to my grandkids. I want them to have experiences so they dont have tunnel vision. I want them to see the possibilities of life. All the things that they can experience and enjoy. Their lives can be so much more than they can imagine.
Im trying to show them, by them I mean everyone around me. Im so much more than they imagine. Im just trying to enjoy being me and hopefully people will see I am amazing.

The reason.....

I have many reasons to be thankful, to get out of bed in the morning, to smile, to breathe. One of the greatest is this little guy right here. Najee is my 16 month old grandson. Im a member of the young grammys club. At 40 I am allready embracing the joys of being a grandparent. But his amazing smile that shine all the way through his eyes gets me going. Keeps me going. There is an amazing love you get to have for the child of your child. I never imagined that I could love someone as much as the fruit of my womb. But amazingly enough it is even more so. Its more so in a different way. When I look at Najee I see deep into his heart and I think he can see mine. Its like we allready have a bond that is unbreakable and inexplainable. I remember the love I had for my grandma and grandpa Townsend. They were definately more like parents to me than grandparents. And the love I had for them was coupled with the knowledge that I knew they loved me unconditionally.

Najee and I spend almost every weekend together. We learn from each other and it is beautiful to me. I enjoy watching him explore and try new things. I like to take him to the museum, the park and we love to read together.

Najee is the reason, most days, I smile. He is just plainly my reason. I love him with all of my heart, he makes life so much more special. I thank God for this great big blessing that is the little person.

Frozen here on the ladder of my life...

There is a line in one of my favorite Elton John songs that says " I cant light no more of your darkness, All my pictures seem to fade to black and white, Im growing tired, and time stands still before me, Frozen here on the ladder of my life". And that is just how my heavy heart is feeling right now.

On January 11th I received the news that Uncle Jim had went missing and then they found him, dead. Since then I have had no resolution. His wife wont share any information with me. She isnt having a funeral or memorial service for him. And most of all the friend, the father figure I had is now gone.We used to play scrabble online together. He cared about my future, my kids and grands. Now what....no answers. Just frozen here. In that horrible moment when someone with no feelings posted on facebook that my beloved unlce was dead. And now 20 days later I still have no resolution.

I feel like I keep going through test after test, Not sure why I seem to need so many. Maybe I dont have a clue. Maybe Im just like those people that I think are walking around out there totally lost.

Someone told me the other day that they wished they were as brave and bold as I am. Who me? I must be good at faking it. Someone once told me " to fake it till you make it". I guess thats what I do. Because I am very afraid even in some of the most insignificant moments. Fear leads me by the ear all the time. I am always very aware of the fact that I can fall flat on my face at any moment. In work, relationships, just life in general. Im afraid of stepping out and being me.

There have been a couple of people in my life that have been able to see right through my masquerade. Those who notice I laugh when I want to cry. That I get quiet when Im extremely angry. And have called me on it. I remember thinking " Wow, if they can see that in me, what else can they see?" Not that I have many secrets, at least not the kind that would cause the world to stop turning. But those things that we just dont tell everyone. Our weakness, our quirks, the things that are holding us back from being authentic.
Authenticity....a word that makes me take a deep breath.

I dont think I have ever lived 100% authentically. The me, the real me, without regards to what anyone else thinks or feels about it. Why do I care so much about what other people think?

I tend to live my life with the wall built around me, In the past year Ive let my wall down about three times and since have had to build it even higher. Letting people into my life, in my heart only to find out they were not truly my friends. Or they destroyed any bit of trust I had built in them.

Im sitting here. My home silent except for hum of this computer and the spinning of the fan. I take a deep breath because once again I realize Im holding my breath. I thinking about the physical transformation that my body is taking, achy, stinging, and heavy with pain. I think back to the walk along the Seine last March. The way I felt everthing was for me. The way the boats were docked, the Parisians peddling past me on their bikes. The way the sun was setting as if to highlight everthing I was taking in. I can hear the water lapping up on the banks of that solemn river. Pristine and poetic. I wanted to stay in the moment forever. It was just as I had imagined. Soothing my soul like a warm blanket. I remembered looking around. At the people, at this bustling city. And I remember feeling like I was home. Like I had been lost and now I was home. I had only felt that feeling one other time in my life. At a silent retreat I attended in 2005.

It was strange because I didnt feel at home, I felt like a tourist in Amsterdam, in Lisbon, in Lourdes and in Rome. But in Paris. I felt safe. And like I could breathe in a way I never had before.

I miss it so much. Especially now. At a time when things are going to fast, when my life is so hectic. Im a grandmother, twice. Im a wife. Im the boss at work. And I feel completely alone. I pray for guidance and strength. Thats all I know to do. Pray. Pray and Pray.

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Me and Le Tour du Eiffel

Ive been to my dream and back

I cant even believe it still. It has been 4 months since I returned from my dream trip to Europe. And everytime I see a photo, read an entry in my journal or see a souvenior I cant believe I actually saw those places with my own eyes. When I was standing in line in Amsterdam waiting to go through customs I didnt believe it. When I stood in an ancient church in Portugal I didnt believe it. When I rode a train across the beauty of Spain, I didnt believe it. Crossing the Pyrennes mountains, drinking water in Lourdes, Riding the TGV into "my" city, Paris. I DIDNT BELIEVE IT!!! Or I couldnt. I was on overload. But when the worlds fastest train pulled into the Paris station. I was numb. From the terminal I could see nothing. It was too underground. I hadnt saw any of the famous Parisan landmarks. Or my lady, Eiffel. Everyone in my group kept looking at me. I know what they were searching more. My reaction. But As I unloaded my heavy baggage from the train and stepped onto the terminal I was NUMB. I wanted to know where our contact was so that I could start seeing what I had waited a lifetime to see. When Sylvia showed up I wanted her to hurry us through the extremely busy terminal. And she did. Dressed in what I would call a typical Parisan getup she got us all quickly to our waiting bus. All in some fierce stilleto heels. :-)
I boarded to bus, the 9 of us, I sat near the back, next to the window. I couldnt breathe. I couldnt speak, I couldnt hear and I couldnt breathe. The driver pulled from the terminal to the left and at the first corner made a right. We were on a large bullevard. And not more than a half a block later there she was. Lady Eiffel. Stadning proudly right out my window in front of me. I felt a rush of emotion and a gallon of tears run down my cheeks. I was finally in MY city. My Dream.
It was lovely being able to see all the places I saw in Europe but nothing would/could compare to Paris. I dreamt of it my whole life and never even thought I would ever be there. I knew we only technically had two days there. Not even close to enough time to be there. But It was amazing. I tried to soak in every street, ever person, every building I saw. I think most of the time I was in so much shock that I forgot to take pictures. Dont get me wrong I took near 2000 pics of my trip. But in Paris. I found myself in amazement so much that I didnt shoot what I was looking at.
I also didnt have the nerve to do all the things I wanted to do. I went with the group and only ventured off by myself a couple of times. I kick myself now for this. But standing in my city. The city that I have felt so connected to for so long did not disappoint. I now have an ever greater appreciation and admiration for her. And cant wait to go back. And I will go back. To take it all the things I missed. Home to me is Paris.

Fall into place

Well Im waiting......as usual for something to fall into place.
My friend told me a couple of months ago that we are definately going to Europe in March. The 9th-22nd to be exact. And I am super excited. I have my passport etc. She said that 1/2 of my trip fare is taken care of...That still leaves about $2500 I need to come up with. Might as well be a million. So I finally decided. Ok. Im a big girl. I am just going to have to get a pt job to supplement my income so I have money for the trip. I finally got a nibble and landed a job working pt at walmart. I worked 5 days and thought I was going to die of intense leg pain everyday. Working my FT job from 0900-1730 and then working at wally world from 1800-2300. I cant do it. I had to call and quit today. I still cant walk comfortably. I fell so terrible. I dont know what to do. Lonnie keeps saying...dont worry, if God wants you to go then you will be able to go. I also know that Lonnie doesnt want me to go at all.
I just hope that something happens where I can go. I want to go so much. It isnt just a want. It feels like a need. Like there is something there I have been looking for my whole life and I need to go see it. I cant explain it...We will see what happens